Attachment Theory [Poem]

At intervals my familiar panic starts anew


Like a brilliantly bright red blossoming wound
the eyes of my core terror snap open
and dilating irises fling themselves from object to object
like gasping fish who dangle from hooks


Every object that emerges from the grainy field of consciousness into focus


   is you


It’s a seeing that shocks and stings:
   the suggestive curve of your spine 
   the vague pursing of your lips
   all the meaning imagined in your half breath


A feeding frenzy for my brain cells 
starving for love
they rip my thoughts to shreds 
analyzing nuances, obsessing on conflicts
leaping from the precipice of a simple gesture
or the wobbling bow of a word cresting a mood
Into the bottomless uncertainty of tomorrows


But in every one
I'm dropped crushed-cigarette-butt-worthless
Having missed the last chance
To leap with my pride intact
to some safe pedestal of independence 
and avoidance


And I cannot help but play the movie in my mind:
with some unsatisfied sneer
you are, inevitably, leaving me


Or worse
staying 
and loving me like you said


making my insecure little heart face itself like this
…relentlessly

Copyright 2020 Amber Jade